[Help?] Forget Me Not

[neroh]

Okay, so i started a new story. Yay Neroh's writing block has been sorta lifted!

Story can be found here:

I want thoughts, a discussion about what ya'll think. I feel really insecure about this for some reason. .___.;; And uhh....reah.

I don't know, just so....odd.

Is it too angsty for you? Too OOC? The 2nd person thing not working out? Plot is just not sparking?

[Enjorous]

Please bear in mind I'm not one for second person.

As far as 2nd person goes it's one of the better things I've read. It didn't seem too OOC to me and I actually liked the plot to it. Broke my heart a little bit. And considering how much I've read of JT's stuff it's definitely not too angsty for me.

[neroh]

If you want angst go read Buffy/Faith stories. They make Bellice look like rainbows and unicorns. Unless its JT's works, man that lady can make you bawl.

Well, the 2nd person will stop after the prologue, maybe return during the in betweens to fill in gaps, probably make a dramatic end. This story will continue, it won't be the eightteen chapters I have planned for Pompoms and sketchbooks, probably a five chapter thing.
I'm thinking a 3rd person narrative. What do you think? How about a suggestion, something you'd like to see in the story? Plot wise, character wise, yknow, let's hear it!

[Enjorous]

I do prefer third person to first any day of the week. That way you can intercut Alice's journey with Bella's wedding plans and such.

[JocelynTorrent]

I liked it. Second person is definitely hard to get into. But since this is a prologue, I don't think there's anything wrong in changing from second to first or third. It's a strong idea, and I'd like to see it through.

[azb]

I actually really like your use of second person. It's tricky, sometimes, to keep the readers included in the story, and still separate. Because you're telling them what they're experiencing, but they need to be able to understand why they're experiencing it. Makes me sound like I'm on something. But that's how I see second person. The line between keeping step and leading. A little bit of a shuffle, haha.

(Also means, however, that it's super hard to have an extreme character, for that same reason. There needs to be an understanding there, between reader and motive.)

But, like the others said, you've got a strong storyline to pull it off with. Angsty, yes. Makes my stomach hurt.

Oh, and you can't swoon someone, or be swooned. You can woo, however.

[neroh]

Thanks for the reviews guys!
I was like 'omfg Jocelyn reviewed a story *squee*. It always feels amazing to have one of your favorite authors review your stories, its like 'hey, you actually reognize my existance as a writer, i'm doing something right.YAY!'

Ahem. Anyways...

Enj
You will see Bella and wedding plans and all. I'm writing it in first person now, finally decided.

Joce
Glad to have your approval, m'am. Thanks for taking the time to review. =]

Azb
Yes! I wanted the reader to really fell for Alice but i didn't want it to make it feel forced for anything. Ohh i was well aware of the swoon and stuff, its intentional because i wanted it as if you're reading Alice's diary or Alice is talking to *you* so no perfect grammar. Although i did spot some mistakes...
It won't *end* angsty, but you will have to deal.

Okay, heres another question for ya'll.
Whats the most cliche thing that annoys the crap out of you when reading a Bellice story?

[Enjorous]

9/10 when someone says "Twilight but with Alice instead of Edward." Because most have 0 creativity, JT's being one of the few exceptions.

You know, now that I think about it it kind of feels like Alice was breaking the 4th wall and talking to the reader. Like relating her experiences in terms of us. Like: "Don't you hate when you wake up and you're hanging out of bed by the waistband of your underwear?"

[JocelynTorrent]

Haha before I read my name as an exception I was all, "Bummer.." I hate it when they disregard characters like Meyer did. Rosalie's a bitch, Alice is super hyper all the time and loves shopping, Emmett only jokes, etc.

[Enjorous]

I whole heartedly agree.

[azb]

When people refer to Alice as a pixie. Just kill me now.

Oh, and it's completely your call and everything, but I would be super careful making intentional grammatical errors. I'm all for colloquial language and character-linked affectations, but grammatical errors are things that actually affect reader enjoyment/ease/comprehension. Don't sacrifice those things for the sake of a style.

[Enjorous]

Well if she's being flighty and a bit ADD then pixie would fit. But other than that...not so much.

[azb]

Not even then, man. It's people using Meyer's one adjective for her (that and ballet dancer), without any thought to actually creating a deep character that can be described in something other than one word.

[Enjorous]

That's not one of the words I remember her putting over the rack. But if it is I'm going to ctrl+f pixie and deleting it outright.

[azb]

Not sure whether it was used every second sentence like some of SMeyer's words, but the first Alice-related sentence was "The short girl was pixielike." It's just people hitting the ground and running with it that bugs me