Re: Even Vampires Can Die Of A Broken Heart - Prol

[azb]

twlightalicebella.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=fanfictionstories&action=display&thread=195

This is actually pretty interesting - I like how you kinda lead into the storyline with Jasper rather than Bella or Alice (I mean, we did start with Alice, but that was a lot more introspective and didn't give us much context in relation to where or if it began in the book). Means it's not just about the two of them and that the other characters aren't just there as padding.

I did find that some of your lovey-dovey descriptions were a bit much for me - very flowery But once again shows that B & A's relationship has a bit to struggle through to get going, considering Jasper and Alice as so insanely devoted to each other.

Might want to give it a read through again to clean up some of your possessive apostrophes, or lack of - also you don't need to put the nasty names Jasper thinks of Jess (like 'whore') in inverted commas because he's not taking the word directly from somewhere else, just using it. He's not quoting someone else's opinion, instead stating his own. Just makes it easier to read

Aside from that, though, very interesting. Ominous

Edited to add a link to the story --Enj

[elphabacullen]

Hi

Thanks for the interesting feedback.

I didn't have a beta, so that's kinda why I posted it here.

Could you elaborate on the parts you found flowery rather than romantic or just trying to convey the depth and intensity of their emotion. Maybe you're just a little un-romantic or jaded? (just kidding)

The bit at the beginning was set 84 days before Bella came to Forks, therefore before the beginning of the Twilight book, but after the Cullens had moved to Forks. Probably around the time that Bella first made the decision to move to Forks away from Renee, so I hope that clears up your confusion of the when and where of that piece.

I was intending on the prologue to be about 4 times as long as it is - each part of it a different part of the movies / books that held significant import for the story and development of the Alice/Bella relationship, and forewarning of the end of the Alice/Jasper Bella/Edward relationships.

The inverted commas were a way of trying to get emphasis, without the need for bold or underlined type. What do you suggest I use for keyword emphasis instead then?

[azb]

Well, stuff like "It would be hard to tell where he stopped and I started", and then Jazz's thoughts on Alice - that line about angels weeping and "he thought his cold dead heart would burst with love" - while some aren't that flowery you really reiterate over and over how much love there is and how strong it is etc etc. Sometimes it's better to show the depth of love through actions and conversation rather than repeatedly telling the readers, you know?

And you might want to put a link to the prologue in this thread 'cause Enj split it into the fanfiction section and the reviews section.

4 times as long? Wow. It's clear that you're a rather verbose writer - not a bad thing at all, but not everybody's cup of tea, which you may have to keep in mind.

Italics work pretty well to emphasise specific words, and is largely recognised by most.

And I wouldn't say jaded. Just...realistic

[VirtualD]

Welcome to the board! Thanks for posting this, really enjoyed it and will look out for the next part, are you posting it on FFN?

I'm not a writer so I apologise - I don't think my reviews are that constructive, I just tell people if I like it, and this was very much the case with this story ;D

[Enjorous]

Good call Cyborg on the link!

And I agree completely with what she said about, "show don't tell" and that italics are a fairly standard way of showing emphasis, or the actual thought of a person, especially since you're telling the story in third, or at least the prologue.