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Post by JocelynTorrent on Jan 28, 2011 18:35:08 GMT
Interesting opening. I like the idea of this strange little facility, though I have no idea what it is. Her assignment isn't very clear, but I'm guessing we're going to learn more later? It's very original though, and definitely not bad at all. Good luck with this if you're continuing it  |
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Post by Enjorous on Jan 28, 2011 18:49:56 GMT
First off I really like the style, very oral if that makes sense. If it doesn't kind of like you and I are in the same room and your telling me the story rather than I'm sitting here and reading it.
Yeah, at this point I'm about halfway through the intro and I'm going to say that this definitely isn't shitty in the least.
Okay now that I'm finished I can address details. Firstly, I love your sentence structure; you use a lot of subordinate and appositive phrases that just seem to work. It makes it sound quaint, and definitely adds to the oral feel of the story. Secondly Characters, well really just the one that isn't Bella, I wasn't sure what to make of him before the last line. I thought he might have been a priest/preacher who thought Bella was possessed. I don't know something about the white suit made me think of all the exorcist movies I watched as a kid.
Overall I'd continue to read this
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Post by lysystrata on Jan 29, 2011 3:53:21 GMT
it's a fairy tale
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Post by Enjorous on Jan 29, 2011 3:55:43 GMT
Exactly, which is why the oral tradition of it is so awesome. You don't hear it enough anymore
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